I browse eyebrows: adventures with voice recognition software

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Once upon a time a poor author decided she was tired of typing so she thought she’d try out the word recognition software on her iPad. She wanted to write a blog post about fairy tales BUT the elves and the shoemaker became the show emailer. Fairies were various, Rapunzel became rap ur seal. The Arabian Nights turned into Radiance Nights (rather lovely, actually), and she has a rather Sheherezade. So the poor author went to bed in a huff.

One stormy evening the poor author tried again.

Maybe it was just her voice wasn’t clear enough. Maybe her ideas needed editing, but somehow or other it didn’t seem to make much sense when she read it back. Then someone suggested making a virtue of necessity: she would write a blog post through voice mail with no corrections and see if anyone could tell what it was about.

So she wrote about reading books instead, and this time she realised you have to say the punctuation. Full stop. Please read on:

Eyebrows. No, I love to 1st books on the wet autumn afternoon, lying on the sofa in my pyjamas without a care in the world. That sounds a bit dubious velocity

Of course what I really meant was biologically. But the timer runs out very quickly with the voice recognition is it software. Someone that means you have to have your ideas more quickly they need to be more six synced and no I meant succinct. Well done softwar

Let’s return to the paragraph for last what I said was I love to browse books on the wet autumn afternoon a wet awesome afternoon no a wet autumn afternoon. But first it came out as I love to pass books on an autumn afternoon no and autumn aftern. Interesting to see what happens when the timer runs out Medford meet word no meat word no mate word no mate M I D word. I don’t know what this voice recognition softt gets the word mate.

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Anyway, if we were talking about passing books on a wet autumn afternoon, that was what I thought would be a bit do you BS know do you BS, no NO, do you PS, do you PSPS, do you B. Well what I was trying to say and will go off voice recognition software and I’ll type it was: “Dubious”. Biologically. Do you BS (dubious) to pass books biologically even if you are a bookworm!

Strangely, the software sometimes correct its own mistakes. But then sometimes it makes them worse. That’s how do you BS became do you pierce azin as in earrings or piercings and that’s how past books which was meant to be browns books, no, arouse books, NO, “browse” books became first books. (I don’t know what the word recognition software thought I was trying to say but I reckon some whole new positions for things to do with books have been invented inadvertently. Arouse books, anyone?)

The author gave up! she thought, it may be that even though I suffer from incipient RSI I should go back to typing my next novel. Oddly enough apart from the capital letter at the beginning, that sentence came out perfectly.

See you more clearly next week back here on the block!

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© Jessica Norrie 2016 (although who would want to pinch this?)

Phrase book poetry

I took a nostalgic look through some old phrasebooks for the end of the holiday season:

 

Italian phrase bookGood morning! Which island is this? 

How deep is the water?

What does “vietato” mean?

You could have… (friendly form)

Help!

Potuguese phrase bookI like the weather here! I’d like to hire a sunshade. How much per hour?

When will you come to fix the air conditioning? 

HOW much per hour?

I’m (very) hot!

 

Turkish phrase bookWhere are the English books? How much per page? 

I’d like to hire a motorbike.

 The teller machine took my card.

You could ask them for a discount…I am not haggling 

 

Greek phrase booksI’m starving! 

Boiled hen and mixed contours…yellow creamy cheese. I’m on a special diet, I ate sushi.

Enjoy your drinks. How old is this wine?

Where are the facilities?

 

Polish phrase bookDo you want to dance?

What time shall we meet? Where will we meet? Let’s meet at…

That went very well. Yes I do (understand).

Sweet dreams.

 

Japanese phrase bookThe film is stuck. I prefer arthouse films

A bit more off here, please.

This seat is taken, sorry.

I will sit on the floor.

I have my own mattress.

French phrase book

 

The room is dirty.

Is there any mail for me?

Please tell him I called. I don’t know his name.

I’m pregnant.

No I don’t (understand).

 

Goodbye. Sayonara. Au revoir. 

Farewell.

 

After I had “written” this poem, I discovered a much, much, much better one which departs from a similar idea: “Phrase book” by Jo Shapcott.

© Jessica Norrie 2016

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Dartington bonne bouche

I didn’t post last week because I was away on a music and creative writing week at Dartington International Summer School, of which much more when I’ve unpacked. But here’s a riddle from the writing course, inspired by a tree in the wonderful grounds.

 

A gaping mouth, one sabre tooth and heart shaped blackened eye

Skin wrinkled lines, arrayed from rigid neck

Hide turned to grey and white, once brown (a trace remains)

Rhinoceros top lip; muck growths along the snarling jaw.

 

I stroke the roughened neck along the grain

This armoured beast will live to strike again.

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This bark formation seemed quite terrifying when I took the photo; now home in suburban London I can hardly spot what I saw then. An example perhaps of the magic of a place that can inspire, and of the difficulties of keeping that inspiration alive?

©Jessica Norrie 2016